beRDeNG ManSAnAs

Walang magawa after work kaya naisipan kong magrent ng sandamakmak na cd’s sa VC. Eh rest days ko na naman kea keri lang magbabad sa harap ng kakarag karag ko na 21″ colored tv na hindi ko pa nababayaran sa aking loving friend na si kabuki warrior. Isa sa mga nirent ko ng walang kadahilanan ay ang pelikulamg LALAKWE, ni Ronaldo Valdez at Gloria Diaz. Grabe ka-age ko ang pelikula kasi nirelease ito nung 1985 pa ata. Mula kulay hanggang sounds, luma sya. Hakhakhak.

Istorya ito ni Eric (Valdez) na asawa ni gloria (nakalimutan ko pangalan nya). Si Eric ay isang babaero na puro tanggi sa kanyang asawa. Siyempre sino ba namang lalake ang nasa katinuan at aaminin to the whole wide world na babae sya. So ayun nga, minsan sa buhay nya nakilala nya ang isang minor na bilat na si ana (kapatid ni tomy abuel na hindi ko na din maalala ang tunay na pangalan). Eh si ana ay medyo shunga shunga at pagkakiri kaya ayun naniwala kay eric at nagpajerjer ang loka. After 10 thousand years eh nadiskubre ni tomy (di ko alam pangalan nya sa pelikula) ang namagitan kay eric at kay ana. Eh dahil nga napaniwala si ana na ibibigay ni eric ang kanyang puso, damdamin at kaluluwa sa dalaga eh super tapang sya na sinabi sa kanyang malupit na kuya na ihaharap ito sa kanya. At yun na nga, nag- usap si Ana at si Eric at inamin na ni Eric na sya ay may asawa na. Eh di nangarag ang lola ana mo sa kanyang nadiscover at dahi hindi kinaya ng kanyang powers ang revelation eh nagbigti sya. Eto na ngayun, dahil sa nagpakamatay si ana eh nais na ng lolo nyo (tomy) na maghiganti. At dahil ang propesyon nya dito ay isang doctor na gumagawa ng himala sa pamamagitan ng pagpapalit ng kasarian eh ayun kinorner nya si kuya eric at the usual pampatulog eh pinukpok ng baril sa batok. Ayun pagkagising ni eric ay isa na syang erica. Sabi ni tomy, ngayon hindi ka na lalake, hindi ka na babae, kundi isang lalakwe. Isang babae sa katawan ng isang lalake. Baklang bakla diba.

At si manang gloria eh wa knows about what’s happening sa kanyang ever babaerong husband. Nang umuwi ito eh uber dramahan ang lebel. Kaso wa balak si eric na ipaalam na wa na syang pototoy. Kipay na ang meron sya. Pero wa nya sinabi ito sa kanyang asawa. After 48 years of hiding eh nangamoy na rin ang sikreto ni eric. Syempre sino pa ang magbubuko kundi si tomy ( kainis di ko maalala pangalan nya) dahil yun nga talaga ang balak nya. At with all effort eh umakyat sa kisame si manang glo para tuklasin kung totoo ang blind item. Kumusta naman ang height ni miss U. Ayun natuklasan nya nga ang katotohanan at nagwating sya. At dahil ayaw ni gloria na maging lesbiana eh pinalayas nya ang “madre de pamilya”.

Ayun pumasok sa eksena si rio locsin (daisy ata pangalan nya dito), ang babaeng hiwalay ang puso sa katawan, pintor at biktima ng gahasa ng jowakis nga kapatid nya. At dahil wating nga si aling glo at nais nyang gumanti eh nagpajontis sya kay tomy abuel. At yun nga nabuo ang  pag-iibigang erica at daisy? (di ko sure).

Ngawit na ko magkwento haba pa ng istorya. Basta syempre gumanti si erica. Pintulan nya din si tomy ng patotoy at take note, walang anesthesia with all the labaha factor itu.

Ayun ending dahil kailangan gamitin ang bagong pag-aari ni eric eh kailangan nya ng lalake. Kaya no choice sya kesa matigbak ang beauty nya kundi ang manlalake na lang din.

Winner.

Ilan sa mga fave lines ko:

Gloria to Ronaldo : Lumayas ka sa harap ko. Nandidiri ako sayo. Para kang uod. Hindi babae. Hindi Lalake.

Gloria again to Ronaldo: Halikan mo ako gaya ng dati. mmmm Halik ni Hudas. Ayyyy mali halik ni Eba! Eba nasaan si Adan? Asaan si adan” Hanapin mo si Adan! (Pak! may sampal scene jan) Bakla! Bakla!

Gloria to ronaldo ulet, at ronaldo to tomy: Ayon sa bibliya, mata sa mata. Ngipin sa ngipin.

Kapatid ni rio to rio: Bakit natatakot kang maagawan? Eh di magpapagahasa na lang din ako para quits na tayo!

All in all, satisfy naman ako kahit mula pa sa baul ang pelikula. Hindi mas kasing ganda, kasing sarap naman. Tsaka kahit r-18 sya, hindi bastos ang pagkakagawa sa pelikula.

At eto ang lumabas na pinakaunang larawan sa google search ko ng lalakwe. Patawad po kung sino ka man, mahal ka ni Lord!

Haaayz ayan malaya na ang pinakacontrobersyal na pangulo ng pilipinas. After 48 years sa kanyang napakagandang kulungan eh isa ng ganap na malaya si ERAP sa bisa ng kapangyarihang taglay ni GMA. GO! GO !GO!

Para daw ito sa unity at reconciliation ng ating political leaders. May gosh, isang napakatagal na issue na yan. Kung unity nga ang kanilang, dapat hindi na sana nagkaroon ng power grabbing. Dapat hindi na napagod ang ating mga uto utong kababayan nung EDSA. Dapat wala ng extrajudicial (tama ba?) killings. Dapat nung una pa lang eh nagunite na sila. Bakit kailangan na magtagal pa bago nila naisip na magkiss ang make-up. Politics nga naman. Parang telenovela. HAaaays unity unity unity! Go Team UNITY! Hehehehe.

Ngayon natin malalaman kung magiging united nga ba ang tambalang GMA at ERAP. Oh maihahalintulad din sila sa tambalang GUY at PIP, SHARON at GABI o di kaya JOLENS at MARVIN? Geeesh how sure are the Filipinos na magkakaisa sila? Mawawalan na ng thrill pag nagkataon, mawawalang ng buhay ang politics at magsasara na ang tabing.

Subalit malamang bagamat ganon na nga. ANo? Naisip ko lang, pano kung palayain kaya ni GMA lahat ng nakakulong? Magkakaisa kaya tayong lahat dahil malaya na rin sila? Wala na kayang gagawa ng masama?

Napakagaling talaga ng powers ni GMA, isang kumpas, isang kusot, tada! malaya ka na. Sana gamitin nya din ang powers nya para tuluyang maging maayos at malaya ang Philippines.

haaaayz sa wakas eh back for good na naman kami ng bestfriend ko na nahumaling sa pagiging bayla. Ayun, as usual isang text lang at nawala na lahat ng topak namem sa isa’t isa. Masaya naman ako syempre, balik na naman kame sa dati. Lagi na lang ganun. Konting tampuhan umaabot pa ng 10 thousand years, eh isang sorry lang naman katapat. Hay naku pride nga naman pag linamon ang pagkatao mo baka mawala lahat sayo.

Yung punyetang ex ko hanggang ngayon wai pa din pagpaparamdam. Lapit ko na sya ipatumba para tuluyang pagpaparamdam na lang gawin nya. Putek! Di pa rin ako binabayaran ng gago!

Naalala ko tuloy, may katext ako minsan who happened to be his textmate as weel. Eh panong hindi h nakita ko yung number na yun sa fon nya noh. Ayun sabi ni textmate makikitulog daw sya sa bahay kasi wai daw sya tutulugan. Mga pakiyeme nga naman ng mga naghahanap ng jerjer. That night eh inalok pala sya ni ex na makitulog sa kanila na lang. Sorry na lang sya at ako ang nagtagumpay. BTW kami pa non. Dun ko lang din nalaman na constant texter nya pala si ex, hahaha kakatawa. Tapos yun syempre nangyari nga ang inaasahang mangyari kahit mapuyat eh go pa rin. Wala naman talaga ako balak na patulan eh, kaso sinabi ba naman na “pano kaya kung dun ako nagpunta sa bf mo, ano kaya ginagawa namin ngayon?”, ay putek yun na ang hudyat. Ayun hindi na ko nakatulog, pumasok akong puyat. Enjoy naman sya eh.

To justin ng hgdc, thanks ha.

This article was originally posted in peyups.com contributed by rapi_74 and edited by arwen.

The Parlorista. The Ms. Gay Barangay X, Y, Z, ∞. The Japayuki with the what-planet-did-your-boobs-come-from. The Pedophile. The Thief. The Incestuous. The Molestor. The Mamasang. The Devil Personified. The AIDS Victim. The Mataray, Malibog, Gossip, Malicious, Nagbabayad-ng-boyfriend, Rapist, Transvestite, Transsexual, Male-to-Female!

The notoriety of faggots has astonished the Philippine society to the point that through the years it has successfully secluded the gays – boxed them into harsh stereotypes. No wonder most gays would rather hide with the facade of straightness. And who could blame them? Look at that Babaylan flaunting his/her false womanhood. Look at that butch rug-muncher sitting at AS Steps grossly kissing her femme partner. Look at you. Look at me. Of course they’re disgusting! They’re deviants for God’s sake! And we don’t want to be deviant; we want to be straight like the rest of them.

Thankfully nowadays, gay guys have a lot of facades to choose from.

He can be like Alejandro, a BS Development Communications senior at UPLB, who flaunts to the world his machismo while getting it on with my roommate. A supposed true-blue-bisexual, he claims that he doesn’t care who he sleeps with, as long as he loves her or him. But my roommate says that he’d only hold the hand of Girlfriend but then be physical with Boyfriend.

Does it matter that he likes men? No! As long as there is that supposed possibility that he will, some day, marry and procure a Junior, a ‘the Third,’ and so forth, the society will adore him: he will be a champion to this patriarchal society defunct of tolerance and understanding.

Or he can be like Cholo, an AB Sociology sophomore. I met him in this anonymously gay chat room – bisexually coined ‘#bi-laguna’ – and asked him his ASL (Age-Sex-Location). He replied ’18-bi-curious-lb.’ I asked myself ‘What the hell is this bi-curious? Is that what they call a bi-polar homo nowadays?’ But instead, I asked him, placidly:

“What do you mean by “bi-curious”?’

He answered “I just want to try “it”, but I’m still straight.”

So we met, and tried and tried and tried his ‘bi-curiosity’ out. Amazingly, after five weeks of “trying”, he tells me, “I’m still straight. I’m sorry.” So we went our own ways and after two days, I found out that he was now trying it out with Alejandro the Bisexual. Imagine that.

Or he can be like Manuel, a BS Forestry hunk. He gets drunk in an after-finals circle of GSM Blue and Red Horse-chaser with his clique: a boy, a girl, a girl, a gay, a girl, a boy, and a boy. All of them got wasted and the next thing they knew, he and Brian, the gay guy, were kissing. The morning-after, the hang-over, he woke up, naked, next to Brian the Gay. Manuel stammered, and started cursing Brian with “What the hell? What the fuck! Did we? Did you? Gasp! Putang Ina! We did! Why did you? I’m straight! Putang ina pare, straight ako! Trip lang ‘yun ‘tol! Hindi ako Bakla!”

He shouted diverse obscenities to poor Brian the Gay even when he, Manuel, with all his musculous masculinity, was the one who first grabbed Brian. And, mind you, Manuel the Straight-Tripper was undeniably sober.

Gay guys can choose to be anything that is not gay. This is, after all, a supposed free country. After all, being anything not-gay is a trend these days. After all, hypocrisy is a Filipino culture. But choosing to hide gayness is choosing to be ashamed of it. And, of course, they have all the right to be ashamed of what they are and, most especially, who they are. On the other hand, choosing to be proud is a whole different story of magic and heroism.

Look at that Babaylan, shamelessly flaunting her womanhood – her true humanity. Did we ever consider that she is, day by day, berated for being herself? But she still, day by day, faces the world, hangs out with her friends – friends who accept and love her for who she is – and smiles, laughs and sleeps happily. Look at that butch lesbian at AS steps, cuddling her lover, shamelessly showing to passers-by her love – true love – to the girl of her dreams. Do we consider that they’re shunned by their parents but, despite that, they still hold on to a love believed to be real? Do we consider that despite hatred and prejudice they still choose to be proud?

Do we ever consider anything or just glance at them and instantly judge with our twisted perfection?

Look at them: the sinful, malignant, and promiscuous. And then think. Now, look at them: the proud, dignified, and true. And then look at yourself. Look at you.

Move over guys, the new diva is here. Beware and behold! Hold yer breath kasi mabaho hininga mo. Hmf. Potah. This is my first ever blog. Wala lang, wag ka makialam may pagkastereotype akong tao. At wag ka ng umangal dahil patataubin kita pag kumibo ka! hehehe. Mayabang ba? OO naman!